I just realised that I don't believe in myself

(Obligatory opener:) How long has it even been since I last posted? A whole term in Oregon. That's terrible. We've done loads of cool stuff here and I've not posted about any of it. And now we're heading home in a week.

I've really enjoyed my time in the Pacific Northwest. So many trees; lovely springtime weather. Our apartment faces a forest - two big living-room windows looking out onto huge evergreens, and relatively smaller-looking leafed trees. Some days I just stand in the middle of the room and look out the windows and pretend I live in a modern architectural wonder of a house that's built into and around the forest. I'll miss that. I'll miss the way the sun falls through the gaps in the canopy, and the way the patches of light that make it to the ground sway with the breeze. Yep. I'll definitely miss that. Ireland doesn't have nearly enough trees. If I had the power of a god, I'd make ancient forests appear on every field in Ireland. Still. I am looking forward to going home.

I don't know what else to say. I suppose my thoughts have turned from American housewifey type things to homeless job seeker in Dublin. Not so much looking forward to that. And I bought a budgeting program today and, boy, is grown-up stuff frightening. Mostly because I have no idea how much money comes in every month, but my budget has over 2,500 outgoing every month (and that's not including saving for rainy days), and since I've never made money even closely resembling that, it scares me. It just seems like way too much for two people and a dog every single month. So it's a bit stressful. But I suppose I should find out how much comes in every month before I really start to freak out.

What else on the changing of the tide? I suppose I'm just procrastinating now. I do actually have a lot of organising to do - to get ready for the movers coming next week. Right at the moment I'm sorting out what to keep, what to throw out and what to donate.

Oh. I've been off sugar for a six weeks now. I do think its helping with mood swings and energy levels. I could be deluding myself, but I do feel like things have been more stable. But I also haven't been worrying about writing in those six weeks, so I don't know if the stress of being too hard on myself for not being more like Brandon Sanderson (who writes about 3 books a year) was at play as well. Seriously, if there's a line up of absolutely terrible role models for me to pick, I will pick the worst one, and be the hardest ever on myself when I'm not living up to those standards. I actually don't think I'm cut out to be a writer because nothing is ever good enough for me, but I also have the problem that I'd rather play games than spend the long hours to get it good enough. And, I was given 4 years of free time and I didn't manage to get one book finished. I've endlessly tinkered with 1, written 1, got half way through another and actually completely finished a short story (I had motivation on that one - it was for a competition and I had a deadline). So I'm just going to stop and get an office job and bemoan my lack of writerdom. And that will be fine. And all the people who didn't believe in me (which is probably just myself) can laugh and say, "I knew you'd never do it."

Wow. This post has taken a turn for the bitter. But I have learned something. I have no faith in myself that I can actually write, or be a writer. I think it's the second part of that that's important, because I do actually believe that my stories are good (I absolutely love the story in Artificer), but I don't think I actually write them well. And therein lies my problem. So perhaps I should focus on learning the craft of writing rather than tweaking a story that already works. I need a workbook. Actually, I think I need a writers' group. One that actually meets to critique writing and that expects members to have new things every week.

Now so now. Thank you theraputic journal. I should remember to visit you more often.

Sedona Hike

I'm exhausted right now. I'm trying to get my word count for the day done (and catch up on yesterday) and it's just not happening. And why am I so tired? Well...

We went out on Thursday and one of the lads mentioned, rather off handedly, that they were going to Sedona on Saturday. "Are ye going hiking?" I asked. They were. And I knew I was going with them. I found out on Friday that they had a free space, and not too bright and early on Saturday we set off for Cathedral Rock.
The hike was amazing. I'd really wanted to go for a bit of a walk when we were there last, but lordkilljoy wasn't up for it. So less than a month later I got my chance. The hike itself was short, but steep and we took a few breaks to catch our breath on the way up. We got to the saddle - a flat patch of rock between two steep drops - and ogled at the beauty of the place. It really is incredible. But that wasn't all. The trail went on a little more to a higher, narrower saddle and just standing there (in a vortex), surrounded by orange-red rock seeing the sun shining from the pristine blue sky and making the rock seem to glow was spectacular.
The descent took about half the time as the ascent - the whole hike taking us only two hours. With a good part of the afternoon left, we headed out the other side of Sedona to Slide Rock Park. It was nice - we had a bit of a warm-down walk around. But it was nothing compared to Cathedral Rock. I dipped my feet into the creek and the water was freezing. So cold that no matter how often you dipped them in and took them out again they never got used to the frigidness of it. But it was lovely to cool my feet down after the hike.
We came home then, had a lovely barbecue and by then I was fit for nothing but bed. And it seems I didn't get enough sleep, because I feel really tired now having done nothing more strenuous than walk around a pumpkin patch / farm / autumn celebration thing. Ah well. Maybe food will help. And maybe I can catch up on the word count tomorrow.

Things I Forgot Yesterday

I meant to say that my strawberries and basil died while we were away. The rose started growing... which reminds me that I should take it out of the direct sun again. The poor basil completely withered and died. It was a dried out ruin. The strawberries just hadn't grown, and me - not even thinking - decided to put them in a bigger pot where they promptly died. I still had a few seeds left, though, and threw them in the pot instead. I hope they grow.

The other thing is about ducks. It seems the ducks around here like to take a morning constitutional. Yesterday I saw a duck cross the road and continue on his way along the footpath. Today I saw another duck walking towards me on the path. She promptly turned around and walked away from me. I should try to remember to bring my camera, because I've seen other random things around the ponds too. Like a turtle. I think that was the most random. I've also seen a heron. And a dead fish - a really big one.

Autumn

Autumn in New Mexico is an interesting time. Me and river have been rained on twice in the last two days. Today, we came to the channel. It was raining and the splashes were making little ripples in the brown water of the channel. I stopped there and just watched it for a while. It was awful, but pretty at the same time. The water was brown and murky, with bits of mud and twigs sticking out of it, but still - there was something compelling about the water and the rain.

The other really odd thing is that mushrooms grow in the grass around here. I think it's a sign that people need to turn off their sprinklers.

I'm a little worried about future walks. The goatsheads are growing wild and free and every grassy verge has thousands of them just waiting to fall off and lay in wait for some innocent doggie to come walk on them and hurt her paws. I'm sort of considering getting River little booties, because (she's stupid like this) she picks them out of her paw and eats them. Then she gets sick a few minutes later.

I haven't updated in ages. I should catch up on news... PAX was amazing. I'd totally go back next year. penelope_stone and Liam's visit was brilliant. We did so much and it was good to see them and hang out. Highlights include walking on top of a mountain in lightening, photographing same lightning that night, cienega canyon forest trail, UNM - actually UNM is cool. There's a geology and meteorite museum, and the atmosphere around campus is cool - just like college, really.

I don't know what else I can say... I suppose I'll just go then.

Lightning is cool.

The sky the last few evenings has been pretty spectacular. Lightning storms flashed on the horizon all around us (or at least the 180degrees we can see from our balcony), both sheet and fork. The forks are amazing to watch - split second flashes of brilliance that you miss if you aren't looking in the exact right spot. The sheets are incredible too, because the cloud formations are so beautiful, and when you get this dark navy sky and bright cauliflower clouds illuminated against it - it looks amazing.

I'd love if these storms are still going when penelope_stone comes over. They look amazing. They are too far away to hear any thunder, but also too far away for the rain to reach us. I think dislike of rain is built into the Irish psyche. I've not been rained on in 9 months, or whatever, and still at the first drops I'm like: "Ugh, it's raining. Better get inside." Even though it's warm and the rain dries off almost as soon as it lands on you.

River's been fine since her little bout of poisoning. She was a little tired the day after, but soon she was back to her old self again. We got to go to the cinema yesterday. We've been leaving her along for longer and longer stretches. Yesterday we went out for 3 hours (to see Captain America) and when we got back the place was the exact same as when we'd left it. We were so proud of her :)

Capt America was good... But not nearly as good as some of the other super hero movies. They spent too much time on montages of him winning battles and not enough time building up relationships between characters. Things happened where I would have been in tears at any other movie, but I just didn't care for any of the people because I didn't know them - I didn't have a reason to care for them.

I don't think I have much other news.

All my posts recently are about River

River is asleep with her eyes partly open. It is the freakiest thing I have ever seen - it's like she's possessed or something. I'm glad it's bright daylight at the moment. If it was night I think I'd have to wake her to get her to stop it.

Camping last weekend was a success. We had a really good time, enjoyed sun and rain and thunder and lightning. We got to see the milky way and a million stars - which was amazing. We did an experiment letting River run around without her lead - it was a success :) She was so tired that evening from all her running around she got really grumpy and was huffing and growling at every little noise. Poor thing. She also has ideas that she's a lap dog, when she's just too big for that.

I don't really have much news at the moment.

quiet day today

We found a park today. We are lunch there, I had sushi and lordkilljoy had doughnuts. it was lovely, but windy. it reminded me of being at the beach in june or something. the sun was warm, but the wind was kinda cold. the park has a grass field (with mostly green grass), a pool (closed), playgrounds, tennis courts and a bowls area. the field looked kinda cool for kite flying. it's on top of a hill and on a windy day, there's loads of wind.

We did a food shop today as well. Got the basics mostly, meat and staples. We have three spices in our press - cajun, 21 spice and salt. they will probably be the spices we use for everything. we did chicken and rice for dinner. the chicken breast was big, i only ate a little over half of mine. our rice cooker is amazing. it has a chip in it that monitors the heat in the pot and regulates the temperature accordingly. the rice came out amazing. there were no burndy bits at the bottom of the pot.

i'm kinda tired now. ten past eight and i have to stay up until 11 tonight. i only got about 7 hours sleep last night, though, so i'll be uber tired going to bed.

yea, we didn't really do much today. we checked out our local organic grocery shop (sunflower). it's really cool. they have a huge fruit and veg section, and have some nice natural / heathfood products. and it's not expensive at all.

when we came home, i watched a few random nature documentaries. i found out that our cable-box has this cool thing were you can browse what's on by theme (or channel or something else). so i was just looking at all the documentary / interesting stuff.

my brain is quickly shutting down, so i'll go now.

River Cottage

I watched the first two episodes of river cottage on 4 on demand last night. It made me want to run off to the country and buy a small farm. if i had a garden, i'd dig it up and plant beds with fruit and vegetables. i even have a little book on self-sufficiency, which tells you how to do all this stuff.
but for now, i have to be happy with my windowsill vegetable patch.

i think i just have to get rich and live 6 months in the commuter belt and 6 months on my mad farm. hmm. that wouldn't work. i'd have to hire someone to take care of the farm for the other 6 months.

:) anyway.

the news of the last week and a half

right, i have heaps of news, starting with the cutest.
we bought a bird feeder thing in tesco about a month ago - a coconut shell filled with seeds and a kind of lard mixture. we had it out the front and in 3 weeks no bird touched it. last week i moved it to the back and i just checked it there and it's completely eaten. that's kinda cool. clearly the back of the apartment is superior to the front and that's where i live now :)

which moves me nicely on to my next bit of news - my computer is now in the spare room :) i have my old computer desk, liam's chair and a rad beside me. the only things i miss are the arms from my old chair. but i'm sure i'll get used to things. i even had to close down the blind a little because the sun was shining in my eyes. wooo.

now on to the not so cute and happy news. the reason i stayed down in cork for almost a week and a half (when it was only meant to be a weekend) is because joan (my aunt) died on saturday night (early sunday morning). it came as a bit of a shock but everyone knew the day would come at some stage. and now no one needs to worry any more because she's better of where she is, i imagine.
so we had the funeral and the cremation on thursday and then i decided to stay the weekend and got the train back today. in one way it was good, because i got to see aunts i'd not seen in years.

yea, so. i'm going to go now - i need to bring the rest of my stuff out of the kitchen. it's all the finickity (sic) stuff that i have so much of and that i have to try to re-home on this desk somewhere.

right - bye.

sunday

yoshi ate a cricket last night. this is excellent news. he can actually have a bit of a varied diet, yeay. he really seems a lot more happy in his tank. he was very active last night, and he's not running to hide from us any more. he still sleeps in the corner, but i think that is just a protection thing, and ok now that he's not freezing each night. he was on the branch this morning when i came in - that's a first in about a week and a half. so i'm hopeful that his socialization is coming along better than it had been.

i'm planting a pineapple tree at the moment. right now i'm at the getting roots to sprout stage.

lordkilljoy's d+d game started last night. me, ildanach and mark were players: a cleric, a rogue and a ranger. and we didn't die - that's always good. it was a fun game, lots of battles, a bit of dealing with npcs and lots of getting lost in the mountains - our ranger is a half-elf, he can't be to blame for not being able to find his way in the mountains!

i don't have a lot else to say. i'll just go now.

a game

so, i'm thinking about writing a short game - nothing too complicated (platformer-action-stealth-rpg goodness). lordkilljoy gave me some books on XNA (microsoft's windows / xbox games language) and it looks so unbelievably complicated. but the results are quite good. but if you want to publish your game you have to pay. if i did it in flash, i could just throw it up on the web and go from there. and i know actionscript, so there wouldn't be a steep learning curve. but the results might not be as good, or as "big." but i suppose for my first attempt i should keep things simple.

the sunrise looks amazing this morning. all orange and pink and purple and blue as the light spreads out into the bank of cloud that's high up in the sky. god, i'm tired this morning, though. i really need to get 9 hours sleep every night, and it's just not happening. right - off to bed for me tonight at 8.

k - that's all i can think of to say.

the days of unemployment

it's foggy this morning. i opened the curtains and was like: woah, everything is white. and then i realized it was fog and felt a little tingle of happiness run from my stomach out to my skin. i love fog. it's so mysterious and mystical.

awh, gosh. i started this entry this morning and then forgot about it (it's 12:02 now). i'm tailoring my cv at the moment. most dull of dull jobs. but i need to get a job, so there's nothing else for it. i want to say i hate my life, but i totally don't. i love my life, it just gets trying at times when i can't figure out why things arn't just working out. things have always just worked out for me. i have this innate luck or something, but i think my innate luck abandoned me just before i went travelling and hasn't deigned to return yet. please luck, come back. i miss you.

anyway. since no one at all in the whole world wants to hire me, i think i'm going to have to resort to shop work. i really didn't want to have to do this, because it's like the most soul destroying work on the planet.

i had thought of doing a tefl (teach english as a foreign language) course, but i'm so full of doubt. what if that dosn't work out for me either and i spend all this money on a course and still can't get work. it's a horrible feeling, actually. i never take risks.

today is probably not a good day for me to start ranting about stuff - i feel a decidedly misanthropic. and i'm hungry. i need to get something for lunch.

ugh, i'm such an idiot. i just closed down firefox. thank god livejournal saves drafts of entries.

ok, i could leave this post open all day (it's almost 1 now) and just keep adding to it, but i don't think i'm going to get to a resolution either way. so i'll just go now.

oh - i have some good news. i got my hair cut yesterday (or actually was it the day before). i think it's quite nice - nothing fancy, but it's all the same length now except for my fringe. :)

plants and pots

lordkilljoy and i went shopping for plants today :) that was fun. i'd kinda said having a fern could be fun - i sorta meant it, much the way i sorta mean a lot of things... anyway (lordkilljoy tells me i should use capitals - i tell him i'm lazy). he took me up on it and we went out to a large garden centre in celbridge, where we bought a middle-sized bamboo, an indoor bonzai, some herbs and some pots to put them in. i'm happy. we have plants to look after. i hope they survive. i have never managed to keep plants alive before - my room was always too dark. the apartment faces north, so gets no direct sunlight, but i hope it gets enough for the plants' needs.

not much else. we watched deathnote 9the live action). i really enjoyed it. but it just ended. i want to see how everything gets resolved between light and L. it's interesting. it had a really good character dynamic going on. the only thing that annoyed me were the dodgy graphics for ryuk. but i got used to it after a bit.

i must go for a walk around the village tomorrow. see what there is to see, hopefully find someplace that does hair cuts that arn't depressingly expensive. yea...

dewa mata!! (ooh, japanese books havn't arrived yet. i can't wait 'til they do)

the change of seasons is upon us

you can almost feel autumn in the air outside. cold, with promises of winter. the light not quite as strong as it was a month ago; the difference between sunlight and shade lessening; the heat failing to warm all the way into your bones.
it's a sad sort of air, filled with broken dreams and wishes unfulfilled. nothing left but to plod on towards the darkness and wait, and hope, for the light to return next year. it sighs through the trees and moans around the buildings, insulating every element from every other one; giving you a feeling that there is no life left in the world. only the acceptance of death and waiting for the end.
you can hear voices on the wind, but they are so distant, so flattened by the death in the air that they do not reassure you that life goes on. they seem more like pleas from the underworld. "let it be winter; we want our freedom." and the air sees no reason to hold their desire from them because it has given up. it has already embraced autumn and it wishes to lie with her brother, winter.
but for one short moment it stops, and mourns for summer.

wasps come out in august

i've always been wary of wasps, well perhaps a bit more than wary. i think they are the most awful species on the planet - right up there next to humans. wasps are worse, i think. they have no compassion, just viciousness - they'll sting with no provocation just because they feel like it. so yea - my hatred of wasps goes back a long way. if someone gave me the power to get rid of one species, wasps would be utterly vaporized this instant. i don't see what function they serve on earth, besides terrorizing humans.

anyway - today i had my window open (as you do in summer) and a wasp flew in. (this is where my story starts to get really stupid). i leapt out of my chair and ran screaming from the room. the wasp followed me out into the hall and was flying around. so then i really freaked out and went screaming down the stairs, like some kind of bimbo girl who's just broken a nail or something. revulsion of my pathetic reaction warred with my quite real panicked terror. but i wasn't about to calmly accept that there was a wasp flying about upstairs. i needed to close my bedroom door and shut my windows and turn my room into a wasp-free haven. i snuck (sneaked?) back upstairs. no sign of icky venomous terrorist wasp anywhere. i hesistentaly pushed my door open and looked carefully around. no wasp, so i ran to the window and shut it and closed my door and was happy :)
hah. my window is still closed (not so good for oxygen levels, oh well) and i think the wasp has left the house, but you can never be too sure.

yea - i've never been stung by a wasp or a bee (only ever stung by nettles) and i'd kinda like to keep it that way.

the dark knight

penelope_stone, a bunch of her friends, and i went to see the dark knight last night. i hate hearing anything about a movie before i go to see it, because my brain naturally goes about making up ideas and scenes in my head, so when the actual film dosn't match those expectations i get very disappointed. i've found that the best way to go into a movie is as a blank slate, knowing absolutely nothing, not even that other people thought it was good. so let's just say that as hard as i tried, i failed to not have expectations about the dark knight. i had heard from people that it was really good. like exceptionally good, like everyone who went to see it thought it was great. hah, so much for expectations. so now you know my background, you may not be quite as shocked by my opinion of the movie.
i thought it was a good movie, but i didn't think it was the most amazing thing ever. i didn't even think it was the best movie this summer. ironman and wanted are still at the top of that list. dark knight is number 3. having said that, it was an excellent movie. it was an actual film, rather than just another summer blockbuster with expensive effects and bright explosions. which was great. but it seemed to drag in the middle (a lot) and they stuffed way too much information into each scene. it was more like sitting through a 2 and a half hour lecture than watching a movie, not in a bad way - just in a your brain can't process that much info in such a small amount of time. so i think i need to go see it again. i think then i will say it was amazing - best film of the year. but right now, i'm thinking: yes, it was good, and yes it has done something that few superhero movies have ever done, and yes they did it well, but i think they tried to do too much. it totally could have been two movies. i'll get back to you on this after i've seen it a second time.

there was a solar eclipse this morning - just a partial, but still. it's the first eclipse i've seen when clouds weren't covering the sun, so it was very cool to see a little roundy chunk taken out of the sun. and true to form, the dogs started barking right at the moment when the sun was most occluded. it's freaky how they can tell there's something up.

ooh - happy august, everyone. this month's genre challenge is alternative history. i'm quite excited about this - it makes me think of steampunk and this is a great excuse to forage my way into that genre.

not much else, lordkilljoy is coming down tonight, wooo! i'm happy.

art post 3

ok, yet more art. this one is also an old piece that got left behind. it's still not 100% finished, but it's done enough for me to publish it.

i havn't much else in the way of news. happy birthday irirshmadcat. i'm a day early, but i'm sure you won't mind.

it's raining again today. yesterday brightened and me and penelope_stone got to go for a walk in the powdermills, in the sunshine. it was lovely.

yea... if i think of anything else to say i'll do another post. my brain is totally blank right now. perhaps because i woke at 8:45 this morning, after getting to sleep some time after 1am.
i had really a wierd dream, though. i think it was inspired by all the news from san diego comic con. i was some kind of gaming com, barry (d+d) was there and there was a huge group of just about everyone i know playing d+d. but it was getting late and i had to get the last bus home. and i had to figure out where it left from - it turned out to be just outside the convention centre. so i had 20 minutes and i decided to go on a ride, but it turned out to be a massive larp that started out in an old temple or something and went on a rollercoster and then ended up on a beach and we were all given plastic sticks. i saw my aunt joan on the beach. but i was paranoid about missing my bus and then i woke up.

short ramble

it's raining out. a nice kind of heavy rain, that sounds pretty splashing against the ground and smells like earth and greenery and the vibrant life of plants in summer. it's the kind of rain for running out in wearing your pyjamas and getting drenched and cold but before that happens, you get a nice tickle from nature.

yesterday, my keyboard was moaning at me about its batteries being critical, but today all seems well again. i have some batteries in front of me anyway, just in case.

i don't really have any news worthy of note, so i guess i'll just go now.

woah, the rain just got really heavy. cool.

i have a job!

ok, it's only a job for a week or so, but still. i'm working in CIT. it's strange to be here again. they've done some home improvements - added new doors and such. i just went for a walk and ate a nectarine outside, and the air smells lovely. damp and grassy and woody - like a forest after a rain show. who would have thought the college grounds could smell so good. the sun is out too - drying stuff up and warming the air.

i came in this morning and put on phantomFM, and the first 2 songs i heard were ones that had been popular when i was working in EMC. it was a bit strange...

anyway. i don't have much else to say.

of cobwebs and cuckoo spit; brambles and byways

me and penelope_stone are just back from a cycle down the powdermills. it was amazing; it always is.
while the evening was hot, the sun was shining and making fun splatters of light among the dark underthings of the forest. we raced along: under branches, over roots and around puddles. this evening we took a new trail, one i'd never cycled before and had only walked once, years ago. it turned out to be unsuitably narrow and clogged with brambles, trees, nettles and other fun vegetation. i'm just glad we don't have poison ivy in ireland.

i applied for more jobs today. hopefully someone will get back to me, and if not there is always reception work. :roll eyes: who wants to be a receptionist? not me.

right at the moment i'm slightly obsessed with the ting tings' great dj. i've listened to it 16 times in two and a half days.

not much else to say. i havn't really done much since i got back from dublin. played shiverling isles last night for a bit. azrynn is totally the coolest character. she can take a knight of order down with one critical shot from her bow (called "hellfreeze"). she roams the land with hellfreeze and goldbrand, taking down her enemies like a wind of death that no one sees coming and no one can stop and anyone who has reason to lies awake at night quaking in fear.
yea. she's cool.